The Kindred Hunter's Kindred Files
by Lady Celebare
Summary: Lucivar, Daemon, Karla, and Greysfang set out to make a humerous spoof of the Crocodile Hunter for Janelle and Surreal. With Daemon and a bug net, how can you go wrong? My very first Black Jewels fic, so reviews appreciated!


**Notes: **I finally finished the Black Jewels trilogy!  What an amazing set of books ^^  Daemon is definantly my favorite, but Lucivar's a close second.  Eyriens… what fun!!  Okee, so I was flippin' through this section, and noticed a distressing lack of humor fanfictions!  There's great potential for humor in the characters, Daemon and Yasi especially.  So here's the premise: What if Lucivar got it into his little Eyrien head to make a film for Surreal and Janelle?  A _humorous_ film?  Nevermind the fact that cameras don't exist in Terreille, Kaeleer, _or_ Hell – I'm just going to take a few liberties with the story, is all.  Please don't take any offense at my wacky humor.  This is set after the trilogy, during a time of peace.  Just think of the camera as a neat bit of conjuring… 

(Statis crackles, then scene opens to Lucivar Yaslana – here on out known as 'Yasi' –  standing before a jeep in dusty Khakis)

Yasi: G'day, mate!  Moi name's Lucivar Yaslana, the Kindred Hunter!  This here's moi mate Daemon Sadi! (The camera swings over to focus on Daemon in spotless khakis, holding a bug net)

Daemon: (grins painfully and waves)

Yasi: Today we're going after the woild Kaeleer wolf!  Now, these blokes are very dangerous!  But that's ok, we've got 'ol Greysfang to chase 'em off if things get too hairy!

Greysfang: (whimpers from off-screen)

Yasi: (Whispering behind his hand) Hush!  Do you want to make them laugh or what?

Greysfang: (yips)

Yasi: Yes, you must wear the pink collar!  

Greysfang: (growls)

Daemon: (snickers)

Yasi: Sorry about that, folks.  So, we're going to get started now.  Hop in!  (tries to jump into the jeep, but bounces off the doorframe because of his wings) Ow!  (Folds his wings tight and carefully steps in)

Daemon: (Rolls his eyes and hops into the passenger seat, _sans_ bug net)

Camera Person: What about me?

Yasi: Get in the back, Karla.  I thought we went over this?

Karla: With the _dog_??

Greysfang: (yips in an insulted maner)

Yasi: (smacks his forehead) _Now_, Karla!

Karla: Ok, ok… Kiss, kiss.  (Camera jiggles as Karla gets in, spinning to reveal the inside of the jeep, complete with a pink-bowed Greysfang, sulking)

Yasi: The woild kindred wolves live very solitary lives in the woods outside the Hall.  We have to be very quiet, or we'll scare them off!  (parks the jeep outside the woods) Let's go!  (tries to leap out, but catches his wings on the seatbelt) Owww!  Stupid landen vehicle!!  (kicks it) OWW!

Daemon: Stupid prick.  (frees Yasi's wing, then gets out)

Yasi: …thanks.

Karla: Uh… guys… I'm stuck.  (Camera wiggles)

Greysfang: (seeing his opportunity for payback, leaps out of the car and takes the camera with him.  The camera bounces a few times as Yasi and Daemon crunch through the underbrush after the young wolf, then goes black)

(Camera crackles to life to reveal Yasi and Daemon running.  The camera seems to be attached to Greysfang's backside, and can now translate kindred thought-speaking.)

Greysfang: * Here we see a pair of woild warlord princes, hoily dangerous but verrry stupid. *

Yasi: C'mere, you flea-bitten pelt!  (leaps over a log)

Greysfang: * Ya, come and get me, bat-wings! *

Yasi: (panting) Mongrel!

Greysfang: * Crow! *

Daemon: Break it up, boyos, before someone gets hurt!

Greysfang: (to Daemon) * You man-whore! *

Daemon: Low blow!  No fair!  (Throws a stick at Greysfang)

Greysfang: (Yelps and drops the camera)

(Camera fuzzes and goes black again)

(Camera blinks on and focuses on Yasi, Daemon, and a tied-up Greysfang.  Yasi has sticks and twigs stuck in his hair)

Yasi: We're back!  We managed to take care of our dog problem-

Greysfang: * Crow-eyed Sirius Black impersonator! *

Yasi: Correction – we sort of took care of the dog problem.

Greysfang: * I'm not a dog, you son of a pigeon! *

Yasi: (whines) Daemon, tell him to stop!

Daemon: Well, he does have a point… you _do_ sort of resemble Sirius Black…

Yasi: Shut up, bastard.

Daemon: Prick.

Yasi: Sadist!

Karla: Shut up, both of you!

Yasi and Daemon: Yes'm.

Yasi: So, back to the woild kindred.  We're approaching their den now, so we must be very quiet.  (Creeps forward, followed by Daemon carrying Greysfang)

Yasi: There they are, sleeping- oh, Mother Night.

Daemon: What?

Yasi: (hisses) Those aren't the wolves!  Those are the Acerians!

Greysfang: (snickers)

Yasi: Quick!  Up a tree!  Wait… why am I worried?  I can fly!  (leaps into the air… and falls down with a thud)  What the-

Kaelas: * Hello, winged meat. *

Yasi: Crap.

Kaelas: (To Greysfang) * Can we have fun with them now? *

Greysfang: * Sure. *

Yasi: Traitorous dog!!

Kaelas: (Bats Yasi lightly) * You fly now, Eyrien *

Yasi: (Gets up and hovers a few feet, then gets trapped in a huge pink bubble) Hey!!

Kaelas: * Come and play, kittens! *

(Acerian kittens tumble out of the den and leap around Yasi's bubble, batting it against trees and such)

Yasi: Make it stop!  Make it stop!  Hey, wait… why are you immune??  (glares at Daemon)

Daemon: They like me.  What can I say?

Kaelas: * The Lady's mate is one of us.  He is very feline, too. *

Yasi: I should have known my brother was a filthy cat… OWW!! (squeals as the bubble is knocked into a tree limb)

Kaelas: (To Daemon) * The Lady will not be mad that her Guard is in this state? *

Daemon: Nope.  As long as _I_ don't get hurt.

Kaelas: (purring) * That is good. *  
  
Yasi: No, wait!  The lady _will_ mind!  I'm sure of it!  Yeowwch!

Kaelas: * Just don't kill him, kittens.  And leave no highly visible bruises. *  
  
Kittens: (All pile on top of Yasi's bubble at the same time and pop it)  
  
Yasi: Aaa!  Get them off!!  (brushes the kittens off him and unfastens a few from his clothes)

Daemon: (dryly) What an end for the great 'kindred hunter'.

Kaelas: * I do not enjoy that program.  Can I make him apologize for impersonating Steve Irwin? *

Daemon: Sure.  I'm sure the lady wouldn't mind.

Kaelas: (jumps Yasi and pins him) * Apologize for impersonating Steve Irwin. *

Yasi: Ok, ok!  I'm sorry!  I'm sorry!  Really!  Can you let me up, please?

Kaelas: * Are you sorry for making Daemon dress up like Terry Irwin? *

Yasi: Sure thing.

Daeon: And the bug net?

Yasi: (defensively) The bug net was Greysfang's idea.

Everyone: (glares at the young wolf)

Greysfang: (gulp)

Kaelas: (jumps at Greysfang, who dodges and dashes through the trees) * Canine!  Come back! * (vanishes and chases after him)

Yasi: I hate it when they do that. You never know if they're going to pop up behind you and gut you.

Daemon: Kaelas is as harmless as a kitten.

Yasi: …please tell me you're not serious.

Daemon: All right… he's as harmless as a kitten the size of an elephant with claws as long as your arm.

Yasi: Better.  Hey… who's breathing on me?  (turns around and finds himself staring into Kaelas's sulfurous eyes) AAAA! (jumps ten feet in the air and gets caught on a branch)

Kaelas: * Your winged brother is fun to toy with. *

Daemon: I feel the same way.

Yasi: (sweatdrop)

Karla: We've lost the dog, Yasi's a mess, and your 'woild kindred' seem to be missing.  Can we go home now?

Yasi: Fine… but, uh, I think I'm gonna need help out of this tree.  (wiggles) There's a branch stuck in my belt, and I can't reach it.

Daemon: I don't know, I think you make a wonderful tree decoration.

Yasi: DAEMON!!

Daemon: Ok, ok, I'll get you down… (fires a blast of black power and breaks the branch Yasi's stuck to)

Yasi: (lands with an audible thud) OWW!  What was that for??

Daemon: (innocently) You said you wanted to get down…

Yasi: Someday, bastard… someday I'm going to have my revenge.

Daemon: I highly doubt it, prick.

(Camera swizzles around to face Karla)

Karla: And there ends our documentary on the woild Kaeleer warlords.  Join us next time on "Karla's World of Wildlife", same time, same place.  Kiss kiss!  (Camera goes dark)

*~*~*~

                Janelle was laughing so hard she thought her sides might burst at any moment.  Laughter might be a very effective weapon, the logical part of her brain thought wryly.  She didn't think she could summon the concentration for even a small spell while the tears of mirth were trickling from the corners of her eyes.  "That was the funniest thing I've seen in ages," she giggled as the mockumentary ended.  "How on earth did you come up with that?"

                "Well, it was mostly due to my genius and directing skills," Yasi said while trying to cover up his rather bruised left arm.  "I had very little to work with in the acting department, but-"

                "Can it, prick," Daemon muttered, stepping on Yasi's foot.

                "Ow!  Assassin!"

                "Somebody calling me?" Surreal asked between fits of laughter.  Janelle might not have seen anything so funny in years, but Surreal hadn't laughed so hard in centuries.  She could barely catch her breath.

                "Next time you can help us make the video," Yasi said with a broad grin.  "I think I'll get _behind_ the camera, though."

                "Job thief," Karla muttered under her breath.

                "What?" Yasi demanded.

                "Nothing," she sighed, dramatically flinging an arm across her face.  "I just couldn't bring myself to give up the wonderful post you assigned me."

                "Drama queen," Yasi growled.

                "Hog-nosed bat," Karla growled back.

                Janelle laughed so hard she very nearly fell off her chair.  Only the timely intervention of Daemon saved her from ending up a giggling heap on the floor.  "Is this what goes on between you when I'm not around?" she managed to choke.

                "Pretty much," Yasi shrugged.  "We're just a ball of laughs, aren't we?"

                "The things you men go through for us," Surreal grinned.  "It makes me wonder what else we could get you to do…"

                "Not anything involving Kaelas," Yasi said nervously.

                Suddenly the cat in question appeared right behind the startled Eyrien.  * Do you not like me anymore? * he asked with a rare gleam of mirth.

                "I like you well enough when you're not calling me 'winged meat'."

                As the two women once again dissolved into helpless laughter, identical grins crossed the faces of the Sadiablo brothers.  If laughter was really the best medicine, than Kaeleer seemed to be healing up perfectly.


End file.
